Where in the World are you From?!

Many of you probably don’t know this, but I work for a technology company. At my disposal are some online tracking tools that show traffic patterns on various websites. I’ve always been curious as to who is actually visiting my blog. My readership has grown quite a bit in the past few months, so with that goal in mind I’ve taken the initiative to pixel my blog and run some reports on the backend to see who is coming to read all about AJ! The results were very interesting!

As expected a majority of readers come from the San Francisco Bay Area (101 users). But more surprisingly is how big my blog is in far away places such as St Louis, New York City, Dallas, Orlando and Nashville! I’m also being read from far away places such as Minas Gerais, Brazil and Rigas, Lativa! Apparently my blog is an international phenomenon!! Just like me!

I just wanted to say THANKS for visiting everyone! Enjoy your stay on my blog and a friendly HELLO to all of you out there in places I’d never dream of traveling to or just haven’t been to yet!

Do You Like Me? Yes or No- Circle One...

So get this shit! On Friday I went out to dinner with my best friend Jeff (the same friend I took to the Goldfrapp concert a few weeks ago). We met his good friend Bryan who was in town from Toronto. After our meal we headed to The Metro and then to the Pilsner (a dive bar here in SF). At the Pilsner some guy came up to Jeff and gave him a note that said:

Hey- You and your obnoxious B.O.C. boyfriend were in front of us at the Goldfrapp concert and you wouldn’t shut up. Thanks for being an ass.

Can you BELIEVE that shit? By the way, I am the obnoxious B.O.C. boyfriend. For those of you not in the know, B.O.C. stands for Bar on Castro, a local bar we often hang out at. How fucking high school is note passing? Grow some fucking balls and come up to me and tell me I ruined your night. I’d apologize and maybe offer to buy you a drink. Furthermore, the concert was an OPEN FLOOR plan. If I bothered you so much so that you had to write me a note, move away from me! We didn’t have assigned seats you idiot. Sometimes the guys in San Francisco annoy me to no end. They are a bunch of fucking pansies. The handwriting in the note was so flowery & girly. Next time anyone wants to write me a note- I expect cursive!

Thief of Hearts

This weekend I’m meeting the guy that my good friend is dating. However my friend is secretly worried that I may well steal his man away. This has got me to thinking- would I actually steal someone away from a good friend?

The answer I’ve come to is- HELL YES! I mean, what if this guy is totally, insanely hot, with like a massive dick, great skin and perfect teeth. I’d want some of that, wouldn’t you? Yeah, yeah, I may lose a great friendship in the process, but I have enough friends in my fucking garden… it’s about time I got rid of some of the weeds. And who knows, this man I steal away could be my one true love, that’d I’d adore and obey until someone hotter or hunger came along. It would be a magical few weeks/months. I can picture it now…

And really I can’t be blamed in all this. My sheer animal magnetism may well be too strong for my friend’s new man to resist. I’m stunning. Who am I to deny another fellow human access to the goodness that is AJ?

AIM Chat Fun Redux

ajlincali: i love feeling loopy on Day Quil
ItsMeSeanNY: LOL u just like feeling HIGH in general
ajlincali: i think i do
ItsMeSeanNY: THINK?
ItsMeSeanNY: baby that is scientific FACT
ItsMeSeanNY: we started with hypothesis
ItsMeSeanNY: then it grew into scientific theory
ItsMeSeanNY: now it's just undeniable fact
ItsMeSeanNY: scientific method baby!
ajlincali: AJ likes being HIGH
ItsMeSeanNY: hahaha
ajlincali: Such teamwork baby!
ItsMeSeanNY: really, WHO can compare to our cleverness and wit

El Sicko

Dearest blog readers:

I’m sick! I hate being sick! I have a nasty chest cold and nasal congestion. Before you laugh, the nasal congestion is from my allergies and not because I’ve snorted something I shouldn’t! Cut me a break… Okay well maybe I snorted a little something/something on Tuesday, but it was only because I got really drunk at the SF Giants game. Worse yet, I got drunk on shit like Miller Fucking Lite. I normally only drink European beers and sometimes Corona (with no lime).

Let’s recap that night, shall we? Jeff picked me up at my office around 6pm and we headed over to Palomino for appetizers (brick oven roasted mussels, yummo) and cocktails (vodka and pink lemonade- delish). We caught up, drank and had a blast. Jeff then bought us an awful concoction called an Irish Sidecar or something; it involved putting a shot glass into a full glass of more alcohol and drinking it down. I nearly gagged! It was foul. Never, ever again! We then headed to Giant’s Stadium to meet our friend Brian, who had the tickets! Our seats were awesome and so was the company and unfortunately so was the trashy beer I kept drinking and drinking.

After the game Brian went to meet his ‘man’ and Jeff and I headed to Metro, then to Moby Dicks and finally to BoC. It was a long night. I wasn’t feeling so hot yesterday (Wednesday) and I know it’s the reason I’m sick now. I’ve had to cancel my plans to attend Great America on Friday, opting to instead have a quiet evening in and a healthy bike ride/workout on Saturday. I also have a big brunch to attend on Sunday and really must look my best! That’s all for now kids!

Connexion Message

Okay, I've been asked these questions too often lately. Just look at this note I was sent today...

whats up man, i was just browsin through some profiles and came across yours. i like what i see...so what is it that you do? are you a model? DJ? pornstar? hehe well hit me up sometime, would love to hear back from you. take care...

FYI, I'm none of the above!

AIM Chat Fun

I love my best friend Sean so VERY much! Just look at the amazing compliments he gives me!

ItsMeSeanNY: well i'll tell ya baby, they'll be studying you FOREVER cuz you are an ENIGMA
ItsMeSeanNY: wrapped in a riddle
ItsMeSeanNY: plunged DEEP inside a mystery
ItsMeSeanNY: hidden in the jungle that is your hole
ItsMeSeanNY: LOL
ItsMeSeanNY: LOL

Fat on Wheels

What is wrong with parents of handicapped people! Isn’t it bad enough that due to your horrible parenting skills and/or genetic defects you have undesirable children? Why do you now let them out of the house or out of your low-income apartment you share with your pimp looking all disheveled and fat? Haven’t your children suffered enough?

Why just this morning as I boarded my morning train to head into the office I sat directly in front of this monstrous fat blob in a wheelchair. She couldn’t have been older than 18 and apparently was on her way to school. She had some tray attached to her wheelchair to rest her hands and her mobile phone on. (I don’t know how her chubby fingers would have been able to operate the phone; it’s a mystery best left unsolved). It’s my thinking that the tray also doubled as a trough holder when it came time to feed the blob. Her ‘mother’ and I’m using this term very loosely was kind enough to tie things to her daughter- identification forms, keys and a Blockbuster video bag. I’m sorry, but she’s already wheelchair bound, what makes her mother think she’d want videos and keys tied to a rope around her massive, mole laden neck!? Furthermore, why as a parent are you going to let your handicapped child get so humongous!? They are undoubtedly embarrassed enough by the mere fact they are in a wheelchair and if they aren’t, they should be (it’s an horrible look). As parents you should really withhold food from your fat, wheelchair bound kids. It’s not as if they are going to get up and walk to the kitchen & open the refrigerator themselves! In the end, when your kids are so thin that they are virtually sliding out of their wheelchairs, they will thank you! Trust me! Dr. Spock has nothing on me when it comes to parenting skillz!

Weekend Rewind

What did I do over the weekend I can hear you ask…. Well let me tell you!

Friday was a busy work day, I was at the office late helping out a client (I’m such a giver, I’m also a receiver, but I’ll save that for another day). I took the night off from the gym and went home to make dinner and relax. I watched “What Not to Wear” on TLC and was fast asleep around 10.30pm. (I am the picture of health.) Consequently my friends wondered where I was and proceeded to call me or text me at all hours of the night- inviting me to a club called Pink, the Nob Hill Theater (nude male review) and telling me how good the music was at the End Up around 6AM. Messy, messy!

Saturday I woke early, made some breakfast and biked to the gym. I had a fantastic workout, but hurt my shoulder a bit. Poor AJ! My friend Francisco from LA was in town and spent the rest of the day with me. We went out to the Metro (a bar that needs to pay me for all the fucking free publicity I give it on this damn blog) and met Norma and her new/old boyfriend who I’ve nicknamed BOOMERANG. Also there was our friend Nico, a Mexican fag from San Jose, who idolizes the ground I walk on. Last Christmas he asked me to marry him. I declined the offer, but then heard he came from money (apparently he was driven across the border in a cab as a child, so I believe it). Still I couldn’t marry him- who wants children that stink of pico de gallo? Seriously. We all got a little tipsy and headed to Badlands for more cocktails. I got a little loud and started talking shit about one of the bartenders, bad shit. Needless to say, I don’t think I’m ever allowed to set foot in that bar again. It wasn’t pretty. Because I’m not proud of what I said, I won’t blog about it, but it was messy. After Badlands we all went to dinner at Nirvana in the Castro. I was instantly cut off from the alcohol by our waiter. I then went to the bar and the waiter followed up and cut me off there as well. I screamed NO TIP FOR YOU and made sure everyone knew why. (Paint me embarrassed, I’m a mean drunk). I then turned my attentions to the table next to us- there was a cute guy and girl eating peacefully, trying to avoid eye contact with me. I told the guy he was obviously gay and asked if his dinner partner was his fag hag. Apparently they were straight and on a date… Sigh. During dinner I received some texts and phone calls from the bartender that I was talking smack about. So after dinner I went back to Badlands to tell some people off. We THEN went to an arcade and played some games and had a few more drinks. Needless to say, I was HUNG OVER the next day, which takes us to….

Sunday! Francisco and I slept in and then headed to brunch and to meet his friend for some coffee. It was quiet, low key day, a nice end to the weekend. It was really great seeing him and I was sad when he left to head back to LA.

What’s on tap this week you ask? I have a SF Giants baseball game to attend tomorrow and of course Memorial Day weekend is coming up, which is certain to be messy and full of debauchery!

Why so Quiet?

Faithful readers- sorry I’ve been so quiet this week. This week has been very busy for me, hence the lack luster blog entries. Rest assured I’ll be back to blogging on Friday when I’ll have a little more free time!

In the meantime, we’ve finally discovered where niggas come from! Check out this link!

Humans, chimps may have bred after split

Funniest Shit I've Seen in a While

Click on the link and ENJOY!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Tj0bGWnXzU4

Addendum: SHIT! It's been brought to my attention that the Youtube link above not longer works. Something about a VIOLATION. Fuckers. For those who are curious, the clip was two pitbulls fucking, the male pit bull then vomited all over the female. You just HAD to see it, it was HILAR!

Another weekend, another gallon of vodka

What a nonstop weekend it was! Let’s catch up, shall we? Friday I took Norma and Jeff to the Black Eyes Peas/Pussy Cat Dolls concert. It was in held at the Oakland Arena and was ghetto fabulous! Fergie looked a little rough around the edges though (rumor has it she’s been sperminated with Josh Duhamel’s baby…. He can sperminate me ANY time he wants. Unfortunately my butt babies never go to full term, I always end up shitting them out.) After the concert we drove back into the city and met Brian for cocktails at the tragedy that is BoC. We then completed our evening at Moby Dicks. I learned something very important on Friday; namely, never wear hot low-rise jeans that accentuate your luscious booty and curves to a gay bar. I had so many hands down my pants I think I need a shot of penicillin. The kicker of course is when I pulled the random hands out and chastised the offenders, I’m suddenly a bitch. Ah well, I’ve been called worse, trust me on that.

Saturday I spent the day sleeping & doing laundry. I also took a nice bike ride and went to the barber shop and had my head shaved. I’m not bald, I have a 1.5 razor faded to a number 2 razor on the top. I like it, it took some getting used to, but it’s such a low maintenance style. And I pride myself on being very low maintenance. Plus think of all the money I’m gonna save on hair products! Later that evening I met Jeff out for dinner at one of my favorite Thai restaurants- Osha. We had a veritable smorgasbord of tasty Thai dishes and unfiltered Sake! Mmm tasty! After getting sufficiently buzzed at dinner we walked over to our new favorite bar of the moment- Metro. We hung out, got drunk, met some friends. This cute Latin couple were chatting me up and eventually asked me home for a 3way. I turned them down, but should have gotten their number. Who knows when I might be in the mood for a good 3way again!

Sunday, after only 4-5 hours of not so good sleep, I forced myself out of bed to attend a brunch being held at a friend’s house in Pacific Heights. My dependable Mormon friend Brian picked me up in his Mercedes (thus meeting my Transportation Friendship Clause effectively). In tow was his other friend Brian #2 (to be called BOB from here on out). We picked up Jeff, got some beer and champagne and headed to brunch. We ate outside in a gazebo next to a lovely pond, it was picturesque! Also attending the brunch was my very good friend DC10, my Russian Pop Tart Pavel and of course the host with the most Brian W. (Too many fucking Brian’s, Jesus, it was confusing). At some point, BOB started turning varying shades of green and upon asking for another beer, dashed out of the gazebo, on his way to the toilet, but stopped abruptly and puked in a prize juniper bush! It was tragic. But really, what’s a Sunday brunch without the stench of vomit? The moment was made funnier by the fact that there was a fundraiser happening in the front of the house and there were many older, well dressed, moneyed fags having cocktails on the back porch, just above BOB, as he’s hacking up the contents of his stomach. Classy! My little group (Jeff and Brian) left the brunch, did a disco change at Brian’s house and went BACK to the Metro. (I wore a hot little US Army tank top that suited my new haircut perfectly!) I just can’t get enough of that place! It was 84 degrees and everyone was out having a blast. Norma also drove into the city and surprised all of us! More surprising was the fact that she brought her ex-boyfriend. He’s like a fat boomerang. He just keeps coming back. Le sigh. I had on another pair of low-rise jeans (when you have an ass as good as mine, you just want to show it off). Some random at the bar started to drip his cocktail down my crack, to which I turned around, grabbed my friend’s beer and poured all over him and told him off. He was so shocked he just slithered away. Don’t fuck with my crack! You hear me! Oh and I cannot believe two guys actually asked if I was either a porn star or an escort. I mean I guess it's a compliment but a back handed one. I give it up for free, I need to reevaluate that! On the plus side, I think I have a date or two lined up with some guys I’ve been very interested in for a while.

All in all it was a great weekend. I don’t know how much a slept, but I can tell I need another full 8 hours to make up for it. Drinking 3 days in a row takes its toll! Thank GOD for great genetics, eye cream and water!

Some of AJ's Favorite Words

It's all about lists this week! Here are some of my all time favorite words, in no particular order:

1. Turd
2. Angst
3. Minion
4. Connie
5. Vodka
6. Sycophant
7. Skeeze

Favorite Name:

1. Stupid Whore
2. Dumb Bitch

Addendum: I just realized some of my stupider friends probably won't know what half these words mean. So here's a link to Dictionary.com look it up retards!

AJ's Policy on Friendships

I don't ask for much in friends, I mean, have you seen some of the idiots I hang out with? But I do have one condition I abide by and that is the TRANSPORTATION CLAUSE. Before anyone can be my friend, certain criteria surrounding this clause have to be met:

1. All friends must have a car. (preferably high end- Mercedes, SAAB, Audi, BMW, you get the picture)

2. I will only ride in vehicles with leather interior. I like black leather, but any will do. If you have some cheap cloth interior, drive back to your Central Valley home town and trade the shit in.

3. Power windows and power locks are essential. I will not manually roll up a fucking window. I’m not Amish for God sake. Also I won’t lock your car door, so it may get broken into. That’s what power locks are for idiots. Really I’m just looking out for you!

4. I don’t give a shit about your gas mileage, because I won’t put in for gas money, however I do expect you to chauffeur me around town or pick me up when I’m drunk and can’t find a cab.

5. Tinted back windows are KEY, only so I can do blow off a KEY without being seen. (Note: If we are for whatever reason pulled over, I’ll toss any drug paraphernalia at you and then turn State’s Evidence against you. All’s fair in love & war, right kids?)

So, get in line & take a damn number, I have a lot people just chomping at the bit to be my new best friend!

AJ's Photo Policy

I have a general rule that no photos are to be taken of me on these occasions:

1- When I'm drunk
2- When I'm high
3- When I'm drunk & high
4- After midnight (because I'm probably drunk & high)

Also since I have been published a waiver form is often necessary.

GOLDFRAPP!

Last night Jeff & I went to the Goldfrapp concert! It was amazing! I arrived at the venue a bit early so I found a bar and pounded down some Kamikaze shots as I waited for Jeff. Once he arrived we headed into the Fillmore for some more cocktails. A few friends were also there, so we chatted and waited for the show to begin and WHAT a show it was. Allison Goldfrapp came on stage and the crowd went wild! The energy was just awesome! They rocked solid for more than an hour and then did two encores! Everyone was in such a frenzy I think Allison was a bit surprised by how well they were received! I’m so happy to have shared this evening with Jeff. I couldn’t have asked for a better time or a better ‘date’!

Set List
Utopia
Lovely Head
Tip Toe
Train
KoKo
Slide In
U Never Know
Deer Stop
Fly Me Away
Satic Chic
Beautiful
Ride A White Horse
Ooh La La

Encore 1
Black Cherry
Number 1

Encore 2
Strict Machine

Jungle Fucking Fever

Oh I almost forgot! So not ONLY did I have that run in at the gym with my black admirer last week, but he was out in my little social circle on Saturday evening. I made sure he knew where he stood. I swear if I could have sold him on an auction block I would have.

So after that little fiasco, I pony up to the bar to order a cocktail and the bartender (another black guy) proceeds to hit on me! Giving me some song and dance (Negro spiritual and rain dance?) about how he's seen me at the gym, blah, blah, blah. Would I be interested, blah, blah, blah. Yeah I'm interested, in your momma's fried chicken recipe. Get out of my face!

I swear it's like I'm wearing a fucking tee-shirt that says- I HEART NIGGAS.

Le weekend? C'est bonne!

I had a pretty decent weekend. I went out for some dinner & drinks with a friend on Friday. Saturday I relaxed at home and then went on a bike ride, followed by a really good workout. I then did a fake & bake in the tanning bed (got a little burned but it’s fading into some good color now). Saturday evening I was planning on staying in (I think I’m coming down with a little cold and didn’t want to risk getting sicker). After laying in bed for a few hours, I was bored out of my mind. So I called up my Jeff, my bestest friend in the entire world! We decided to go out to Lazlo’s for some drinks, and make an early night of it. I looked smokin’ hot in my low-rise jeans, tight v-neck tee-shirt, 5 o'clock shadow and handcuff necklace! Ohh la la!

We arrived at Lazlo’s and immediately I knew we were in trouble, up on the wall were the drink specials and I there was $4 cosmopolitans listed. I don’t know how many we drank, but they were delicious. Now trust me when I say this- I had ever intention of being home by midnight. So you can imagine my surprise when I actually arrived home at 7AM on Sunday, still wide awake! Really I have the best intentions, but never seem to see them through. Ah well. I had an amazing night. We ended up closing down the bar and then headed to a friend’s house for a little post party. I ended up ransacking the guy’s medicine cabinet and slathered aloe-vera gel all over my body to help my sunburn heal! I also downloaded a shit load of fantastic music on his computer and created my own playlist in iTunes! I mean, how much nicer can ya get?

Sunday was a quiet day; I napped for a few hours, did some laundry and was in bed super early. Tonight after work I’m meeting Jeff out for some drinks and then we are heading to a concert- my favorite group, Goldfrapp is in town!! I’ll give you a review tomorrow! Until then… I’m out!

Random Friday Musings

Just a few general observations I’ve made this week. Thought I’d share with my faithful readers! Oh and Happy Cinco de Mayo to my spic readers! Ariba! or Speedy Gonzales! or Welfare Check! or whatever you say on this special day!!! Mazel tov!

Okay onto the musings! Why the hell do fat chicks wear tiny little tops that expose their nasty, fat bellies? It was a warm week in San Francisco and I saw so many bitches on the train with full on bellies jutting out. I don’t want to see how far your belly button is protruding; I don’t want to see your disgusting stretch marks or weird skin discolorations from all that fat just below the surface. Cover that shit up! You are fat; you shouldn’t even be let out of the house for God sake. Please don’t draw attention to yourself; it’s only making things worse!

Also what is it with really hot girls dating really disgusting guys? Apparently it’s the latest rage! Everywhere I look it seems all I see all these super fine honey’s hanging all over these gangly dorks with bad skin, no fashion sense and an affinity for glasses over contacts! I don’t see the attraction, and I’ve looked! I’m thinking they must have massive cocks; otherwise I’m just at a loss. I’d fucking scream if I looked up and saw those dudes on top plowing away. Kudos ladies, I don’t know how you do it.

So last night I stopped by the gym to do some abs and cardio. I’m naturally svelte with amazing abs, but I was bored, so sue me. It felt good to sweat out the many toxins in my system. I could probably drink my sweat and get drunk and/or high. Anyway, back to my story- while I was changing a guy comes up to me and starts chatting. I knew him through friends but not all that well. We made small talk and I mentioned to him that I had a date later on. After my workout he came back into the locker room and handed me a note and told me to read it when I leave. The note read: Aaron, I have a crush on you and I don’t like hearing about you having a date with someone else. Call me sometime. I was shocked! First this guy is black! I don’t date black guys; I’ll fuck them if they are super hung, but that is wear I draw the line, usually in kerosene and often on their front lawns. Plus, I’m just really surprised this guy even owns a phone. I bet it’s a Metro PCS phone… cause last time I checked, my hot Blackberry phone can’t call up a fucking coconut. Sheesh!

AJ's Hit List for May '06

Shake, shake, shake- look at AJ's booty! All right! Without further ado, here is my list of musical recommendations for May 2006! Everybody, get down, get down, get down tonight!

Oakenfold ~ Faster Kill Pussycat (Who the fuck knew Brittany Murphy {the bitch from Clueless} could actually sing and do it well? Hot track with even hotter remixes!!)

Wonderland Avenue ~ White Horse (Original Mix) (Great track to play when at the gym! Oh and Dannii Minogue sampled this track on her last album, so they must be doing something right! Speaking of Dannii……)

Dannii Minogue ~ So Under Pressure (Not the best Dannii song out there, but I’ve been so hungry for new material from her. The video is sexy and she looks amazing. Hell, I’d fuck her! Can’t wait for all the inevitable remixes!)

Dixie Chicks ~ Not Ready to Make Nice (What a great comeback song, following all the drama that surrounded the group after their remarks on Pres. Bush. The video is also fantastic and the way it swells at the end gives me chills! Can’t wait for the full album!)

Rihanna ~ SOS (Rescue Me) (Nevins Electrotek Club Mix) (Another great track to blast while at the gym, it really gets you moving. Wish I had someone to test me they way they are testing Rihanna!)

Goldfrapp ~ Time Out from the World (A gorgeous, lush love song from my newest musical addiction. What makes this song so great are the lyrics which totally hint at being obsessed with someone—“I like to watch a thousand times. I make a shrine for you”)

Robyn~ Don't Stop the Music (This song is an oldie, and was never released in the States, but it's so uplifting. Whenever I'm down I play this song and it always cheers me up! It's also great on bike rides! haha Check out the video!)

President Lucas? Sadly No...

I can never run for higher office. Now let’s not confuse this with the fact that I’ve been high in an office, really I was still high from the night before and I was napping in my boss’ office while he was on a business trip. This blog alone would be enough to ruin any chances I may have at a bid for election. Drug references and racial slurs aside, the main reason I can't run for the Senate or even the Presidency is because I’ve been taped in a sexual act (actually a few acts and positions) with another man! I know, it’s shocking, isn’t it. Like Paris Hilton before me, my accomplice was my then boyfriend (no names shall be referenced to save the 'innocent'). We were on a romantic trip to NYC and stayed at his friend’s great midtown pad, which is featured heavily in said video. I don’t know how we managed to find our balance on that twisting staircase, but rest assured we did! I swear, the things you do in the heat of the moment!

This little video delighted me in many ways. I found myself forgoing all manners of Falcon, Hot House, Mustang and Pre-Condom Classic porn to watch us go at it… over and over- teetering on the staircase, over the dining room table (sorry dinner guests), in the kitchen, etc. What I realized is that I get myself off. I'm an exhibitionist AND a voyeur! How hot is that! I liked watching myself on that tape and I masturbated with glee to my own snuff film! Now I’ve been approached by a few select porn studios but have always respectfully declined any offers. I don’t need the world to see all my dirty deeds, really its why I blog instead!

The video tape in question was destroyed after a particularly nasty breakup and I think the world is a much safer, more decent place for it. Amen!

Food Poisoning & Champagne Brunch

I’ve done to myself, what I’m certain many of you have wanted to do to me for years now! I poisoned myself on Friday! To be exact it was a case of food poisoning and it was nasty. I’m not 100% sure what I ate but I have a sneaking suspicion my chicken breast with asparagus was the culprit! Let me set the scene- I’d just arrived home from the gym and my routine is to shower (I get sweaty and stinky after a good workout) and make a healthy, scrumptious dinner. I’m generally very careful when preparing chicken but I know on Friday I was a little lazy and maybe didn’t wash my hands well enough after handling the raw meat. Who knew raw meat was so very dangerous (err, um… let’s get back to discussing food). Within a few hours of eating my dinner, I was laying in bed and feeling very bloated. Around midnight, I got up, ran to the bathroom and shit my brains out! Hoping the worst was behind me I went back to bed only to get up again and continue with my symphony of anal sounds. As I was sitting on the toilet, I felt my mouth starting to water, which tells me I’m going to start puking too. (Side note: we just had new shower doors installed in our bathroom; they are clear, not opaque like the previous doors. In the dimly lit bathroom at 1AM it appeared as though the door was open, when in actuality it was closed tight. So as I shifted my ass to vomit in the bathtub {I was still shitting and wasn’t about to try to stop the flow} I banged my head against the door and threw up in my mouth as I tried to open the fucking shower stall and finish the job at hand). It was an awful night, I was up until 4AM puking and eventually dry heaving and shitting out everything I had eaten that day. Normally when I’m up on a Friday night till 4AM, drugs or alcohol are involved and sometimes, but less frequently- hot sex… What a waste of an evening! I don’t even want to see a chicken breast for a few weeks. I’m strictly eating take-out for a while. My ass & stomach still feel a little ‘off’. It’s as though I’ve been on vacation to Mexico. Le sigh.

Saturday was a bust, I slept in and actually managed to take a bike ride and get my haircut. I then stayed in the rest of the day and ate very bland food.

Sunday, I was up early. Feeling refreshed, I took another bike ride, had a great workout and started eating normal food again. I met my friends Jeff & Brian for a Champagne Brunch at Foreign Cinema. The funniest line I heard all weekend was Jeff telling me- “You are a frigid bitch! You put the BRR in Brunch!” I was just unhappy because my Dungeness Crab Frittata wasn’t as yummy as I’d hoped! However it was nothing a few bottles of champagne and a couple mixed drinks couldn’t cure! I knew it was time to leave the restaurant when I started drinking everyone else’s cocktails and sucking on the top of the bottle of Champagne. Our next stop was the Metro for some more libations! My favorite bartender was working (you know, the one I showed my cock and ass to) = free drinks for AJ! It seemed as though everyone was out that afternoon (it was a sunny, hot day in the city). Most of them didn’t run or cower as I approached, but after our conversations I’m sure they wished they had. I kept my racial slurs to a minimum, despite trying to explain to a black guy that my cool Blackberry phone wasn’t meant for him or his gorilla-like hands. I even made a new friend named Courtney. She was pretty with big titties and we ended up making out, much to the chagrin of the many covetous gays surrounding us! We ended up taking her with us to El Rio and then back to my apartment for a night cap. I kicked everyone out around 10pm & attempted to fall asleep. I needed to pop a few pills before sleep was going to happen. All in all, the weekend wasn’t a total bust, but if anyone of you want to invite me over for dinner, chicken better the fuck be off the menu!